It's been a while since I've updated. Sixty something odd days have gone by. I can't say that during this period of time, I have not gone through ups and downs. I feel like these past few months have gone by so quickly at times, and yet, so slowly at times. Maybe it's because I've experienced the happiest days ever since leaving home during these past few months. And maybe it's because I've also felt the worst during these few months. I'm at a state right now where I just want to be home with my family; where I just want to hear my dad's caring words, feel my mom's warm hugs, and listen to the innocent giggles of my little brother. I guess in college, I've been able to find a family for myself in my friends. But there's nothing like the comfort of home. And I really want to be there right now.

At times this semester, I have felt so shot down. But I always look forward to that day when things will be better. Maybe on a bright sunny day, I'll see myself smiling under the warm sky of Southern California once more. Maybe it'll be a beautiful day and I'll be home in Vietnam once more. Nonetheless, I look forward to taking a break of school...

Just one more month.

I guess distance can bring people closer together. Today was my little brother's birthday party (his birthday was yesterday) and all my cousins came over. Some are in high school while others are still in elementary. I haven't really talked to any of them in a long time. I guess they're all really good little kids. I've always been seen as the old (I am the oldest) mean cousin. All my little cousins, young and old are afraid of me in some way. When I was younger, I was really mean to most of them because I felt like they were trying to invade my property--toys and the likes-- in some way and that they were evil obnoxious children. But now that I'm off to college and come back, I see that they're all just innocent (maybe not, but I guess relatively) children. We played a game of risk today and it was really fun. I guess in a way, I do miss all of them.

Now I understand why I am so nice to all my cousins in Vietnam. I've always thought that I love them more. But it is only because we are so far apart and lack the day to day interactions where conflicts arise. I think if I lived with them, we wouldn't be on such good terms as we are now.

On a side thought. I'm home now. My mom is so cute. We prayed together as a whole family today and she started crying because I'm home again and our family is complete once more.

I think even up until now, I have not been totally adjusted living on the East coast. Going to Harvard, I feel, has really messed me up emotionally.

This is especially true when it comes to visiting home. I'm sitting here and thinking about how nice being at home would be right now. I really would like to be there again. But across the horizon, in some other part of my mind, I don't want to go home anymore. I don't want to feel so down about leaving home once more. The mixture of conflicting feelings drives me crazy. I'd really like to go home after my finals.

And then sometimes, I feel even more lonely when I think about home. The friends that I make in college, or at least the relationship formed here, are not the same as the friendships that I made growing up as a kid. It's not comparable. I really miss the friends I have at home, but the distance and limited forms of communication seems to slowly wash away our friendship, piece by piece, day by day. We all seemed to have flown off to different worlds of our own. I'm not the type who likes electronically mediated communication, at least when it comes to friendly conversations and what not. =[. But I guess there's nothing anyone can do about this right?

So my last visit home really made me think about a lot of things going on in my life right now. Sometimes I feel so lost and without any sense of direction. I'm supposed to be studying for finals right now. I kind of don't like this schedule.

I was eating at a Vietnamese restaurant today before going to church. Peggy's not back yet, so I took the one-hour trip to church myself. As I was eating my food, I saw a family eating together: a mother, a father, and two sons. The younger son had a voracious appetite (as it was obvious when he ordered a second plate of Cõm Sýờn). The mother was gently smoothing her son's hair as he was eating. I sat there eating with my Ipod and three empty chairs next to me. That made me really miss home, especially my family.

But since I've left for college, I don't think I can relive those moments again. I can never be the innocent lamb next to my mother and father as I once was. Deep inside, I always feel like I've wronged them somehow, I'm leading life not worth their love. As comfortable with my myself as I may sound, I always feel wrong for some reason. I remember feeling this on New Years Day, when I was drunk and didn't come home on New Year's Eve.I knew they were worried about me all night. When we went to church on New Years Day, I didn't know what to feel; my dad didn't yell at me as normally did when I came home late. I could see sadness in their eyes, seeing that their son was going astray, away from righteousness of God, but not being able to do anything about it. I smiled at my newfound sense of freedom, but deep inside,  I was burning with an unexplainable sorrow. I couldn't bear looking at their eyes. I don't know where to go with my life. I know what my heart wants, but it'll only make me happy. My solitary happiness is not enough...

Remembering all the times I've seen my parents eyes red as they say goodbye to me at the airport, I become so lost and drowned in confusion....

Anyway, on brighter note. I am going to Beijing to learn to more Chinese this summer. I can't wait. =]